My name is Simon, I’m 44 and I’m not well.

My name is Simon, I’m 44, and I’m not well.

By that I mean I have been diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety.

In 2018 I was initially diagnosed with PTSD as a result of my role within the emergency services in London, but I was adamant that I didn’t want to be medicated. I was determined that with therapy and by looking after myself properly, eating right, exercising, cutting my alcohol consumption, that I could deal with this, and for a while that was enough, but slowly things started to unravel.

I started to feel less and less capable of coping, I hadn’t slept properly for more than four hours in about a year, continuing to push myself at work, but finally my body and mind had had enough.

The actor Jim Carey puts it best for me, “it’s not about being depressed, it’s your body needing Deep Rest”, (I am slightly paraphrasing JC here).

I mean, I was depressed, I didn’t want to go on, I spent a lot of time crying, but I was also in need of some deep rest.

At the beginning of March 2019 I finally reached breaking point. I was unable to cope with anything and I was barely looking after myself. I went to my doctors and just broke down.

My GP, an amazing lady by the name of Dr Findley, prescribed me Mirtazapine and that first night I slept straight for 12 hours.

For the first few weeks I felt like I was walking around with an invisible duvet over me, dulling sight and sound and weighing me down.

Slowly my body got used to my medication and I began to be able to function better.

It took me six months to get to a place where I could consider going back to work, I took the time I needed, (along with some great therapy on the NHS, Dr La Roux you rock!), but eventually I was ready to go back to work.

I have now been back at work as long as I was off, I’ve had a few ups and downs, but I’m slowly starting to put me first, or at least trying to.

Am I the same man, yes and very much no.

I’m more self aware, thoughtful, less angry, I don’t always get it right, but I think I am better at realising when I am wrong and looking to learn from it.

Why am I starting to write again? you know what, I’m not completely sure.

I’m just a normal human being that has had to deal with a whole heap of rubbish. I’m not special, I’m not unique, I’m not a so called celeb trying to share their tortured story of redemption, I’m just someone who is going to try and share the details of his story, not with a view of saying “This is what you must do” , because everyone is different, but in the hope that if you are where I was or where I am it will help to show you’re not alone and that slowly but surely it will get better.

The following links are available should you feel in crisis (this list is not exhaustive but maybe somewhere to start) – remember, you’re not alone.

Samaritans – https://www.samaritans.org

Mind – https://www.mind.org.uk/

Papyrus – ttps://papyrus-uk.org

CALM – https://www.thecalmzone.net